just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
