Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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