I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
