I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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