I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
