She is in my trunk
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
