so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
