I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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