'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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