just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
