I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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