I love black thongs
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
well you can't waste a boner
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
