So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
