I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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