Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
