I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
