What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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