Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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