girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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