Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
