i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
