I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
