remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
