nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
