my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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