Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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