My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
