...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
