Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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