For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
