I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
