When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
