my sisters under your porch take her home
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
