Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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