you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
