Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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