I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize