you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
