I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
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You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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