Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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