I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
