A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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