They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
