okay pat passed out under dana's car
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
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I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
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Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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