do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How does one acquire holy water?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
