His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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