somebody snuck up and got me drunk
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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