Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
