I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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