Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
