those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
where are you?
Hypothermia
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
