I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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