No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
