Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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