Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
